Epithimia

Just had this dream where I was in a zombie apocalypse. It was one of my dreams where I dreamed the second half first, so I already knew me and my friends were involved in a hostage situation near the beginning and I meet a guy (let’s call him Bob because I don’t know what his name was). Bob ends up being my best friend in the dream, he’s really funny and smart and is able to maneuver his way through all the zombies and crap. At the end, he ends up sacrificing himself for me and gets ripped apart by zombies.

Cut to the flashback where I knew which supermarket guys were going to take everyone hostage, so I get my friends ready by having the heaviest produce to use as weapons. However once we’re all taken hostage, I meet Bob again the same way (we both call the guy an asshole and ask if we can have a laptop) and when I realized it was him, I just started crying and hugging him and screaming “why couldn’t I save you?” and then I woke up.

This is why I hate zombie stuff. It’s all way too depressing. Pardon me for not wanting to imagine my best friends getting dismembered and eaten.

I'd give up smell/taste because it'd be easier to eat healthy. I could make myself eat all extremely healthy food without bitching about how gross it tastes and then get thin.

I had written out this entire thing, but for some reason, it didn't save to the first entry.


But anyway, the other reason I can't sleep is because at said wedding, I'm probably going to end up seeing a bunch of people I really don't want to. When I first came to MSU in 2007, I was ridiculously optimistic that things were finally going to get better. I was going to make friends and was going to be happy. I was all fluttery because I had my stupid crush on Don. The next week, I went to a Gamers meeting where I first met Nat, Mycroft, and Katie Lynn. I felt special because I had met people that I thought were really cool and they actually seemed to like me.


In hindsight, it was really apparent that Don was disrespectful and rude to most of the people I wanted to be close to, but I overlooked it because I was stupid and "in love".


I felt uncomfortable and awkward the more I hung out with my friends from gamers. I felt like they didn't like me but were too ploite to say anything, but the other part of me just throught they didn't know me well enough and they would come around if I persisted. James Carolan seemed to have no problem fitting in with everyone and I thought that if he had no problem, I shouldn't either. But i was wrong, I still felt as awkward and horrible as ever. It all came to a head when Nat mentioned that I might be able to live with her at Clove Road for my sophomore year. I was incredibly happy at this prospect because at this point in time, I honestly considered her one of my closest friends on campus. Gradually that hope died when no one even told me that they had found someone else to live with them. 


Yet another girl who had no problem getting people to like her. She was skinny. Perfect. funny. Completely unawkward and everyone just fucking loved her. I was resentful beyond all belief and I couldn't understand why she was the one everyone liked. Why couldn't I be accepted like she was? Like James was? 



It took me and Eric getting together to realize that I wasn't as broken or worthless as I had been thinking all this time. I ended up being friends with Quel and going to Japan club. I started being friends with Kevin and Josh. It was at this point that everything started to get a lot better for me.

My friend is getting married Satruday and I've been trying to find out when my ride is supposed to pick me up. I've been trying to contact her for the last week, but I haven't heard from her. But that's not the only reason I can't sleep. It's several things. Like the fact that I'm supposed to move back into my mom's house, the place I left twice before; the last time because she wouldn't stand up for me. My uncle's no longer here, obviously, but I'm back in the room he stole from me and it feels just... uncomfortable. I never wanted that room to begin with; I wanted the room my brother took when I moved into school. The room I originally wanted because ironically, it had been my uncle's back when I was little.


The truth is, the whole reason my uncle stuff is really bothering me is because when I was little, I really, really loved him. He was the fun uncle, he was my favorite and I loved him. However, he was apparently a screw-up. He pissed off my family a lot, he rode and fixed motorcycles, he looked like Bret Michaels and he was immature. I looked past all those things as little kids tend to do. He moved away when I was about 12 so he could fix motorcycles in Arizona. I used to brag to my friends about how cool I thought he was; my uncle who custom-made Harleys out west. He came back when I was 15 and I had my first boyfriend. He told me stories about his tattoos now that I was old enough to hear them. We talked about music and watched movies. He played guitar and stayed at my mom's place. I didn't think much of it.


Then when my parents got divorced and my mom was on drugs, he and their brother Frank turned on her. This was the time where I just hated everyone in the family. Everything had started falling apart and I knew absolutely nothing about anyone. I barely knew my mom was on drugs, I didn't know much backstabbing my uncles did, I didn't know why my dad was so selfish in just bitching about calling her Betty and that my mom wasn't his responsibility. My mom was just completely void and broken, never trying to get anything back together, spending entire days in bed. I would just stand in the doorway trying to talk to her, but she just wouldn't even look at me and I couldn't understand why.


I didn't understand why everything had to happen this way.


As you all know, time went on and my mom gradually pulled herself out of bed, out of her funk, out of depression, and now has a job. It's been 6 years since the divorce, since I had last seen my uncles, whom from what i had heard. were backstabbing, crazy bastards. It was at this time that I heard that Uncle John had turned over a new leaf. He wanted to see my mom. He wanted to see the family. He bought her a car. He wanted to help her.


I hadn't seen him in so long, but no longer did he look like Bret Michaels. He had become bald, old, and fat like his father. His hair was gray. He was wrinkled in places I didn't remember before. Still he hugged me. I hugged him back, but he wasn't who I had remembered him to be.


In actuality, he only wanted to help himself and have a roof over his head, but I didn't want to see that. My mom had been angry at her current boyfriend and I just wanted to see her happy. I was tired of my mom being depressed. now that she had a job, I wanted to see her get better. If having this uncle around was going to help her, I would put up with it. I put up with a lot. The misogyny. The loud laughter. The gradual impatience he seemed to have for everything that only grew and grew. His temper tantrums. His accusations. And eventually the explosive fight he started with me that ended with me moving out.


With me crying in Eric's car for 2 hours. For sleeping only 3 hours that night. With me searching for jobs at 4 in the morning because I wanted to prove that I wasn't a failure. That I didn't need anyone. That I didn't want a fucking thing to do with my family anymore. For the last four months, I've been full of more resentment and hate than I could ever recall in my entire life. Because more than ever, I had felt abandoned. By my dad in Wisconsin whose letter had sparked all this. By my mom who just sat by while her brother just inhaled everything he wanted from her, just like every other man had done in her life. I had no one to really turn to except Eric, who was the only bright, unwavering light that continually and without complaint, supported me.


My mom wanted to play for both teams, but really it was impossible. Even though my uncle is gone now, it's just incredibly haunting to be in the room that he took from me. I certainly don't want to sleep on the couch like the dog I was deigned to be while he was here. More than anything, I want to be able to have my own revenge on him. Even if it's calling his probation officer, even if it's screaming at him the same way he screamed at me. More than anything I want to shoot him, stab him, make him hurt the way that he made me hurt. More than anything I'd like to make him bleed out in agony for everything he did to my mother and that thought gives me more release and catharsis than any other.



My mom says he's suffering in his own way, but unless I'm able to see it, I don't believe it for a moment.

Villains I love:

Miyo Takano from Higurashi
Kimblee from Fullmetal Alchemist
Legato Bluesummers from Trigun

The Joker and Scarecrow from Batman

Dahlia Hawthorne from the Phoenix Wright series
Kristoph Gavin from Apollo Justice

 

Any song by Iris, but specifically "No One Left to Lose" and "Sorrow Expert" make me think of someone I used to be really head over heels in love with.

In retrospect, the guy was an evil, manipulative sack of shit and I'd love to tell him just how much of an asshole he is. The music always remind me of him though.

Conquests
-Red wig from Arda wigs (Also met rex_dart in person! :3)
-2 pairs of Baby the Stars Shine Bright socks
-2 pairs of Secret Shop socks

 1) I got a job, I work at Macy's in Paramus Park.

2) The chick I share a hallway with is disgusting, she doesn't clean her messes (including a huge spill in the fridge she caused) or empty her garbage in the bathroom. Plus she kept using my shampoo and toothpaste until I took all my stuff out.

3) My mom's kicking my uncle out of the house because it FINALLY occurred to her that he was a lazy, jobless piece of shit who couldn't even put up money for his own $500-a-month policy.

4) As a result of 3, I'm probably moving home when I graduate unless I get other plans.

5) Getting a car and paying car insurance starting next month.

6) Basically the only people I've seen all summer are Eric and Brian except for AnimeNEXT and an awesome Mitsuwa trip. I miss everyone :(

7) Going to gaykitten's wedding in August, hope to have a suitable dressy dress and a gift for he and his husband by then.

8) GOING TO OTAKON FOR THE FIRST TIME. I've been hoarding my money and only spending when it was vital for this, I should have about $300 when I go.
-There's going to be a Lolita Swapmeet and I hope to get rid of two dresses I don't like anymore.
-Also Sailor Moon Abridged and Team Four Star are having a panel together and I plan to camp out for good seats for that.

9) I randomly got tan/sunburned from my tennis class. Also my muscles and limbs have been hurting, so it better mean something good.

I'm kinda embarrassed at how often I masturbate. I needs some damn restraint.